Save Me
by shesarebelxx
Summary: Rachel has finally had enough with the teasing, and it's led her to the last place anyone expected her to go.  WARNING: Rated M for suicide and language
1. Chapter 1

Save Me

Rachel Berry was a star. She was born to be a star. She was born to be on Broadway, have her name in lights, on Tonys, Emmys, and Grammys. She was born to be known and loved.

So when did that all change?

Everyone says that High School is tough. Everyone says that High School makes you who you are. You come in a freshman, thinking you own the world, and you leave as a senior, a completely different person. Relationships make, and break you. Rejections shape you. Friendships, frenimes, enemies, all shape who you are. Rachel Berry never thought that would happen to her.

Because she was a star a beautiful, gold star. And everyone loved stars, right?

At least, that's what she believed on that first day of high school. A freshman. A small fish in a big pond that she was sure she was going to leave her mark on. She was going to be popular, and be the lead in every play, and be the star soloist in the performance choir. Rachel Berry was going to be the most talented girl McKinley high ever saw.

Somewhere in between that first day and her junior year, something changed. It was slow, so slow that people who saw her every day would have never noticed. Slowly she became quieter, her wardrobe less unique. She didn't vie as much for solos in Glee club. She walked out less, and just took the insults the Cheerios and other members of Glee club threw at her. She stopped putting gold stars next to her name. No one noticed, a lot of people chalking it up to her finally growing up. Glee club was glad, to be honest. Finally they didn't have a diva in their club. It was a free for all when it came to solos, and no one was going to object to that.

Actually, by Regionals in Rachel's junior year, she didn't even try for a solo. No one noticed though. They were all too happy that Rachel was finally _growing up_. No more whiny, annoying rants. No more pointless facts about Broadway no one cared about. No more…Rachel. It was almost as though she was a warm body, but nothing else.

At home, it was barely any different. Sure, her Dads loved her more than life, but Rachel was an actress. And this was her most dedicated role. Acting as though she were fine, when in reality, there was a knife in her desk, pills in her bathroom, and a suicide letter already written and stuffed in a book on her bookshelf.

When she looked in the mirror, Rachel barely recognized herself. She found more and more things wrong with herself. Her 'man hands', her flat hair, her lack of a chest, and finally, her nose. The nose, which she had been proud of her entire life, she began to loathe. She just wanted to be pretty. She just wanted to be liked, and to have a boyfriend that loved her. She began to convince herself that she was never going to find love, because who would love her? Rachel, the immature diva. Rachel, the ugly yentl with man hands. Rachel, the drama queen. No one was going to love with her enough to marry her. She didn't even have a physique that could distract guys from her personality.

At first, it didn't mean much to Rachel. So she didn't have friends. A lot of stars don't have friends growing up, and then they find friends who understand them. But as she got slusheed day after day, as she and Finn broke up yet again, she wished she had someone's shoulder to cry on. But she didn't.

She tried to change. She tried to become more like Quinn, but no matter how hard she tried, no one noticed. She had been branded, and that brand was always going to be there. There was no point in changing.

And with no point in changing, what point was there in living?

* * *

It was a dark day, and had Rachel not been beaten down so hard by her classmates, she would've made a comment about how theatrical it was. But Rachel wasn't Rachel anymore. She didn't care about theatrics.

She had shown up at school and got hit by a slushee, got pushed into a locker by a member of the Cheerios, got made fun in Glee club by Santana. By the time Rachel came home to an empty house, she knew today was the day. She felt the pull she had felt all year, only now it was ten times stronger, pull her towards the book where she had put the suicide note. She grabbed the suicide note with shaking hands, opening it. Within a few hours, her Dads were going to find this note on the kitchen table. They at least deserved a fully proofread letter.

_Dear Dad and Daddy,_

_ I love you. Please don't blame this on yourselves. You've always called me your gold star, your reason for living. I'm glad I could be that for you. But I don't have a gold star to live for anymore. I love you two, you've been there for me since the beginning, and I'm sorry I have to let you down like this. But I can't go on being made fun of at school constantly and having no one care or try to stop it. _

_ I guess, in a morbid way of looking at it, this is the most theatrical thing I could do, isn't it? If I can't leave my mark on McKinley with my talent, I'm gonna leave it this way. _

_ I love you both. I can't wait to see you in heaven. And if, by chance, you have another daughter, prepare her for her life. Prepare her for the rejection and the enemies she'll make. Tell her not to make the same mistakes I did. No one likes a diva._

_Your gold star, Rachel._

She folded the letter up again, and barely felt the tears streaming down her face. She didn't want to do this. God, all she wanted was for someone to come and stop her, but who would stop her? No one. Because everyone was better off without her.

She fingered the knife, but decided against it. Her fathers hated blood. She held the bottle of pills in her hand, but decided against that too. She didn't want her fathers to deal with the fact that their daughter was dead by hearing it twice.

The bridge. The bridge was the best way. Maybe the news would be there. _Junior at McKinley commits suicide off of bridge._ Maybe everyone would see her on TV and see what they'd done to her. Maybe they'd all cry and realize how much they needed her.

Or maybe they would just laugh and say she had it coming anyway.

It was then that she realized she was curled up on the floor of her room, the same room Kurt said looked like the place where 'Holly Hobby and Strawberry Shortcake come to hook up', the same place where Finn had said she looked like a 'crazy clown hooker', and the same place where she had found out she had a Mom, only to lose her to a newborn. She stood up, her legs unbelievably shaky under her small amount of weight.

She walked around her room, touching the show posters she had put up, and smiled a little at the memories that flooded back of when she was in elementary school and middle school. When she was happy. She felt the tears flood down her face as the realization hit her _she would never be back in this room_.

Normal Rachel would have sat and imagined her fathers sobbing as they packed their things, or imagined them leaving everything in the exact place it was, to preserve their daughter's memory. But Normal Rachel was gone. This Rachel simply picked up the suicide note, and with a heavy sob, shut the door to her room.

She walked down the stairs of her house, ignoring the pictures of her on the wall, and the mantel, and on the wall of the living room as she walked into the kitchen. Thunder was crashing outside, and the only light in the house came from the lightning strikes every few seconds. She looked around and set the note on the table. She looked around, tears clouding her vision as she took one final look around the house.

_Ready to go to New York?_ Her Dad would always say to her as they left the house when she was little, no matter where they were going. She always pretended they were driving to New York. She never made it there though. Her Dads never had the money, and as much as they wanted to be able to allow their daughter experience Broadway, they could never afford it.

"I'm ready to go to New York," she whispered as she walked out to the door. "And this time, I'm actually going to get there."

* * *

Rachel rode her bike to the bridge, with the thought that, she was going to die anyway, whether it was from the storm or the bridge, or traffic, didn't matter. The note was written, and anything that happened would be classified as suicide. Plus, she didn't want anyone on the city bus asking what was wrong.

She left her bike on the side of the road, and started walking towards the bridge. Cars slowed down as they saw her, this had happened one too many times for people to not realize her intention, but still, no one stopped her. No one got out of their car to try to tell her that 'it gets better' like you would think. They all just drove slower and stared, almost as if it were a show.

_You always did like attention._

She walked over towards the side of the bridge, and stepped out onto the ledge. She closed her eyes, feeling the rain pour down her face, and soak through her clothes. The wind from the storm blew in her face, the thunder providing the perfect soundtrack, the lightning providing the perfect lighting. Only Rachel Berry would have a perfectly theatrical scene to die to.

She looked down into the water. It had to be 30 feet below the bridge, enough that she was sure she would die within minutes, if not immediately. She took a deep breath, her tears colliding with the rain on her face; it was hard to tell which was which.

"There used to be so many stars on the horizon," she yelled, and she knew no one could hear her. "But now it's dark…so dark." With that, she leaned forward, feeling her feet starting to slip on the ledge. She was so close, she could feel it. She could even vaguely hear her name being called, as if death were coaxing her.

Before she could fall though, she felt someone roughly pull her down from the ledge.

"You fucking idiot!" the person yelled. "Rachel! What the fuck? Why would you even fucking do this?"

She recognized the voice. Jesse St. James.

"Jesse? Let me go!" Rachel screamed, fighting him, the sobs so loud now she could barely hear Jesse as he spoke.

"Why are you doing this? Who led you to do this? Was it Hudson? I'll kill him. I'll fucking kill them all!"

"Just leave! No one wants me, no one loves me, no one accepts me. Just let me go!" Rachel screamed.

Jesse picked her up, and did the only thing he could think of. He kissed her. It was stupid to do with such a horrible thing about to happen, but somehow he knew it was the right thing to do. He kissed her until she finally stopped fighting, and allowed him to take her in his car, and drove her to the hospital.

_

* * *

Her Dad fell to the floor as he read the note left by his daughter. He sobbed, cursing at the sky for doing this to their little girl._

_

* * *

_

_ "Mr. and Mr. Berry?" Jesse asked._

_ "Jesse?" Leroy was able to choke out through his tears._

_ "I have Rachel. Come to the ER."_

_ Leroy hung up, practically running into cars as he ran to the ER to see his baby girl. How was he ever going to thank this hero?_

_

* * *

"Do you see what you all did to her?" Mr. Schuster practically screamed at the Glee club. "Do you see what you forced her to do? She was the reason we got this far, and you brought her to a fucking bridge to fall to her death! Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted?"_

_ No one, not even Brittany, made a sound._

_

* * *

Mr. Schuster sobbed in his office after that, wondering how he could have let all of that slide. How could he have been so blinded by winning to let such a poor, innocent, girl suffer so badly. The worst part was, deep down, he knew he had only made it worse by silencing her talent. _

* * *

Rachel was put on antidepressents and put in the psych ward for one month. On the second day, Jesse came to visit her.

"Why did you save me?" she finally asked, looking up at him.

He looked at her. He looked at her messed up hair which was in a bun, something he had never seen Rachel do before. He looked at her outfit, tee shirt and jeans, something his Rachel would never wear. And finally looked her straight in the eyes.

"To remind you of who you are," he said.

"You left," Rachel murmured.

"So did you," Jesse whispered back. "This isn't you, Rachel." He gently placed his hands over hers from across the table. He expected her to pull away, but she didn't, bowing her head.

"No one wanted me," she whispered. "No one appreciated me. Hell, no one even liked me."

Jesse squeezed her hands. "I'm not a saint," he started, and smiled as she let out a snort at that, "I have a lot of explaining to do, and you might not accept it. But let me be here for you. Let me appreciate you. Let me want you. Let me _love_ you.

"Seeing you on that bridge, thinking of you feeling so low, practically killed me. I know I probably caused some of it, and I will never forgive myself for that. But I want to make it up to you now. Please let me do this. Please let me be your friend. Let me be next to you while you fight this. You can't be alone in fighting this. You're not that strong. But with me, and facing it together, maybe we can both beat this."

Rachel looked at Jesse. "You loved me," she whispered.

"I still do," he said. "I always will."

Jesse visited Rachel every day. He brought her flowers, and anything else that was allowed in the psych ward. Mr. Schuster came and apologized profusely.

None of New Directions ever came.


	2. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

**Originally this was only going to be a oneshot, but the feedback I've gotten has been so amazing, I think I'm gonna continue it, especially because I forgot to hit complete. Oops. If so we're going to have to pretend a few things didn't happen in chapter 1, but we'll worry about that later.**

**For new readers: Welcome and review, please! This story already means a lot to me, because I've been suicidal and I'm still trying to work through it. We'll see how this goes!**

**xx**


	3. Chapter 2

**This is no 'Dalton', I'm aware, but I'm amazed at the feedback I've gotten from this story. I think this is good for everyone, a story about what some of us, hell, probably most of us, have gone through, and most importantly it's written by someone who understands.**

**In case anyone wants to ever talk to me about what's going on in their life, (I'm always here to listen) you can write me on Tumblr at .com **

**And without further ado, Chapter 2!**

* * *

Rachel hated the psych ward. She hated the medication they gave her that made her feel hazy and sometimes giddy and sometimes worse than she felt before. She hated her doctors who kept changing her medication. Basically, she hated everything in her life right now.

She hated her psychologist for asking questions as though the reason for her being on that ledge was so complicated, when it wasn't. She wasn't liked. She wasn't wanted. She was hated for being who she was. She had no friends. Rachel believed that if the psychologist lived like that, she would have tried at least once too.

She hated her doctors. Every morning the doctor would come in and wake her up, which she found oddly redundant as the doctor himself had put her on sleep medication, apparently the 'star sleeping schedule' wasn't appropriate for a teenager, and tell her a bunch of words she couldn't process because she was so tired, but most of the time got the gist they weren't good.

Every time she talked to a doctor, or her psychologist, she got the idea they all thought the same thing: she was crazy. She was a nutcase who tried to commit suicide. No one seemed to care about other things that led her to it, just the possibility of what might be going on inside her brain. That was the one other thing Rachel didn't like. Nothing was ever certain. When she talked to doctors she heard a lot of 'it might be' or 'it could be', but never 'it is'. There was never a definite answer. The only definite, apparently, was that she needed to be in this ward for her own protection. Though, despite the annoying wake ups and the odd mumbling from her roommate throughout the night, she couldn't find anything there that she couldn't have at home.

* * *

"I hate it here," Rachel said one day for what was probably the thousandth time in the three days since she had checked in, looking up and meeting Jesse's eyes. They sat on the table in the meeting room, the only place Rachel was allowed to have visitors for the first week.

Jesse held her hands and caressed them gently. "You'll get out of here soon enough," he said.

Rachel sighed, looking out of the window the meeting room offered. She loved looking out at that window, and seeing the sun, something she couldn't see from her room, as it didn't have a window. It was weird how, when something as trivial as sunlight stopped becoming an every day part of her life, she started craving it. Half the time she was with Jesse, she had her eyes closed, basking in the sunlight through the window.

"How was therapy?" Jesse asked, looking out at the nurses, and when no one was looking, went over and wrapped his arms around her. Despite the act on the bridge, he had taken over a friend role in Rachel's life, almost a brother role. She needed that more than anything at this point in her life, just someone who would be there. He was surprised at how easily she let him back into her life, without even an explanation of why he had left in the first place, just another reminder of how much she had changed. He almost felt bad, as though he was inadvertently taking advantage of her vulnerability. He knew, eventually, Rachel would become his Rachel again, and the day she demanded an explanation would be the happiest day of his life.

Rachel leaned back into his chest, closing her eyes, longing for the warmth his arms gave her that the hospital gown didn't. She didn't answer for awhile.

"I still don't want to talk to her," Rachel mumbled.

"You know she just wants to help," Jesse said. "It's hard at first, but…"

"What do you know about therapy?" Rachel asked, a little hostile. She was tired of people pretending they knew what she was going through when they had never been through a therapy session in their life.

"Every star has their secrets," Jesse said. "And every star needs someone to talk to. You know they have therapists that specialize in celebrities? Basically any celebrity that doesn't turn to alcohol and drugs probably talks to someone."

"Including you?" Rachel asked.

"I'm a star, aren't I?"

* * *

After a week of being in the ward, Rachel had grown strangely accustomed to everything. She set her alarm so that she could at least understand the doctors when they came in, she slowly participated in the group activities, despite the fact that she wasn't used to being in groups that weren't singing, she still found that she enjoyed it. That, and her normal stalk outs weren't accepted.

Her favorite part, though, was when Jesse would come visit her. Every day at three pm, a nurse would come in and say she had a visitor. At first it seemed to confuse the nurses. Even family of patients didn't visit as often as Jesse visited Rachel. There were days where he visited three times a day, and those days coincidentally were when she was feeling her worst. He would bring her little trinkets and flowers, after being carefully surveyed, they would sit on her bedside table where they would be to remind her that she wasn't alone.

Not that those trinkets helped all the time, not even love was enough sometimes. Like the doctors told her day after day: "You didn't get here in a day, you won't get better in a day".

She just hoped that didn't mean it would be three years before she saw any improvement.

"Ready for your present?"

"Jesse, really. I appreciate these gifts, but I'm fine. Just…" she hesitated, blushing a little. "Just you being here is enough."

"I know, I know," Jesse said. "I know that none of New Directions have been here, and I know how much it means to you to have a friend. But I saw these in the store, and I had to get them for you."

"But I-"

"Just open it, Berry."

Rachel rolled her eyes, and opened the envelope he handed her. She took out the small package, at first she thought it was a joke, it couldn't have been lighter than paper. She turned it right side up and her eyes widened. And Jesse even thought he had seen a smile for the first time since he had seen her.

"What are those?" Rachel's psychologist, Dr. Vivete, asked her, motioning towards the gift she had gotten from Jesse, the gift she hadn't put down since she had opened it.

"Gold star stickers," Rachel mumbled, smiling a little. It felt weird to smile. It wasn't much, and wasn't a full smile, and it wasn't some magical piece of the puzzle that made everything okay, but it was a start. A hope. A ray of sunshine in her dark world.

"See, gold stars are a metaphor for me, being a star. And metaphors are very important."

* * *

**Everyone needs a little hope right? I didn't think that was too weird. Things are gonna get harder next chapter though when some people come to visit her...some more apologetic than others.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Thins have een way rough lately, but finally writing this was good therapy for me. Who knows, you all may have Chapter 4 tonight too, cause I decided to stop it here. ;)**

* * *

"Glee rehearsal is cancelled," Mr. Schuster said, and he was met with mixed sounds of cheers and groans.

"Wait, why?" Finn asked, "Isn't Glee like, really important to you?"

"I think Glee's his baby and the mother's an alien," Brittany said.

Mr. Schuster sighed, ignoring Brittany's comment and looked back at Finn, and then at the rest of the group. He still hadn't forgiven them for what they had done to Rachel. Mostly, though, he hadn't forgiven himself. He couldn't stop thinking about how he had screamed at Rachel the day before she had ended up on the bridge, and couldn't bear to think that he was part of the reason.

But he knew he was. So he just refused to think about it. And it was going well, really well. In fact, he started thinking maybe Rachel was just better off. She was obviously emotionally unstable and him yelling wasn't that big of a deal. So essentially, it was her fault.

The do say ignorance is bliss.

And it worked, until Mr. Schuster saw one of Rachel's Dads at the Principal's office. He remembered practically dropping all of the papers he was holding. He couldn't imagine why they were here. Were they pulling Rachel out? They couldn't pull her out, then they couldn't go to Regionals! Were they here because it was his fault?

It turned out that her Dad was there only to get Rachel's missed schoolwork, and was perfectly civil to Mr. Schuster as he walked past, obviously the word of him yelling at Rachel not getting to him. After taking a sigh of relief, he decided it would be best to visit Rachel, and to prove to him there was nothing to worry about. She would be back singing in no time…he hoped.

"I'm going to see Rachel," Mr. Schuster said simply.

"Where, like, at her house? Isn't that illegal?" Puck asked. "Can't you get sued for sexual harassment and crap like that?"

Mr. Schuster inwardly yelled in frustration at how lightly the group thought of Rachel's condition. Regionals aside (and it took him a lot to look past Regionals), Rachel _was_ in the hospital for a reason, and he knew they all played a part in that.

"Rachel's in the hospital," Mr. Schuster. "She'll be there for at least a month because they declared her unstable enough to be alone and at a risk for herself."

"So wait, Rachel's like…all alone?" Quinn asked, looking down at her now flat stomach, biting her lip.

"Has anyone visited her? People have to have visited her!" Kurt said, his voice immediately gaining urgency.

"I know she has her Dads," Mr. Schuster said, "But that's all that I know of who have visited her. Unless one of you have visited her."

The room was silent.

Mr. Schuster rolled his eyes, grabbing his satchel and heading out the door. "Of course not."

After the Glee club left, Mr. Schuster went into his office, packing up his things. There was a knock on the door just as he was closing up his computer and he looked up and saw the last three people he would expect to still be there.

"We wanna see Rachel. She needs friends."

* * *

"I can't believe we're sitting here playing Connect 4," Rachel giggled, as she waited for Jesse to make his move in the game.

"Hey, be happy they let you have small objects again," Jesse said, only half joking. "It's a big step."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Yes, because the pieces are so small that I could swallow them," she said.

"It says right here on the box 'choking hazard'," Jesse pointed out. "Plus you don't have a gag reflex…not that I would know."

Rachel's eyes widened at the sexual innuendo, before shoving him lightly. It was one of her better days. Yes, she had an anxiety attack that had made her collapse into bed for an hour, but the medication was lasting longer than it normally did, and Jesse had come early and said he could stay until visiting hours were over. So in all, her day was going pretty well. That was the thing about when your life was this hard, small things, like playing Connect 4 with her best friend, meant so much more than it would have meant a few months earlier.

She had put up the gold star stickers on a piece of paper before hanging it up next to her bed. Old Rachel would've positioned them like a music note, but this Rachel just put them on in random places. Just another reminder to Jesse that Rachel wasn't better, even though she was laughing for the first time since he had seen her in a month.

"Rachel, sweetheart," the nurse said, walking in, and Rachel tensed immediately.

"Shhh…" Jesse soothed. "I'm not going anywhere. They're not gonna make me go anywhere."

"No, no sweetheart," the nurse said, gently stroking Rachel's hair, a proven method to calm her down, "You have some more visitors."

"But my Dads aren't supposed to be here until five," Rachel said.

"Well, we have them lined up. We have to take normal procedures with them, so you'll have to go to the meeting room," the nurse said. "Do you wanna get changed?"

"What would I put on, you won't let me have anything in here except a hospital gown?" Rachel muttered, standing up as the nurse tied the gown shut and led her out the door. Jesse stood up to follow, but the nurse stopped him.

"She needs to know she can do some things on her own," the nurse whispered. "It won't be too long."


	5. Chapter 4

Here is a very long chapter for you all. Here's a warning: If you like Finn or were hoping for Finchel, stop reading NOW. Cause you're gonna hate me after this chapter.

Without further ado...

* * *

Chapter 4

When Rachel got to the meeting room, she really had no idea who to expect. She didn't have a desire to see anyone from school, but that was the only group who it could be. So when she walked into the room and saw Mr. Schuster, she froze a little, wishing desperately that Jesse's warm touch was with her. Without him, she felt so alone. So alone, that she couldn't even face her teacher, or was he her ex teacher now?—either way, she didn't like the idea of this visit.

When Mr. Schuster saw her, he gave her the same look everyone did. The 'Poor pitiful girl' look and the 'I hope she doesn't try to stab me' look. If only Mr. Schuster really knew what he had done to her. Everyone laughed or thought she was overreacting when she said he was silencing her talent. But he was. And to Rachel, her talent was all she had. It was the only thing, in her eyes, that made her worthwhile.

And he silenced that. And screamed to her about it. She didn't blame him, it wasn't like she was open about her feelings and she never mentioned his name for that reason, but still. He was to blame. One of the sole blames, if Rachel were to be completely honest. So the idea of seeing Mr. Schuster was not something she wanted to do at this point in time.

But she didn't have a choice, and as she walked in and sat down across from him, all she could do was make the best of things. Visitors, except for family, and Jesse, were only allowed there for an hour. And most people couldn't stand the first fifteen minutes.

"Mr. Schuster?" Rachel asked, making sure he was okay. She hated when people stared. It's not like she had burns or a deformed face.

"Yeah, sorry Rachel," Mr. Schuster said, and she could see him flush with embarrassment. "I just wanted to…make sure you were okay. You know…with everything. I also wanted to see when you could get back to New Directions, they all miss you-what?" He stopped his sentence when he saw her roll her eyes. "They do, Rachel."

"They don't miss me, Mr. Schuster. Haven't you noticed? I've been a warm body at Glee club rehearsals. When was the last time you even gave me a solo?" Rachel asked.

Mr. Schuster paused, and Rachel could see the wheels turning in his head as he went farther and farther back into Glee Club history.

"Not since I-"

Rachel could see the pieces slide together in Mr. Schuster's head.

"Not since you screamed at me." It was almost amusing to Rachel how casually she spoke about these things. How easily she could say things, what people had done to put her here, just to watch them suffer. It was evil, she knew. But it was also something they needed to know.

Watching them cringe was just an added payback.

"R-Rachel…I…" Mr. Schuster stuttered. This was the first time she had ever seen him nervous. She had him speechless.

"It's fine, Mr. Schuster," Rachel said. _Don't lie. _Jesse's voice popped into her head. _Lying's what got you here._

"Actually…it's not. My talent means the world to me. And my talent is all I have at McKinley. Do you think I like being hated? Do you think I like the slushees and the way people talk about me and treat me? Do you think I'm that desperate for attention? I'm not. My voice is all I have. And you silenced that. So no, Mr. Schuster. I'm sorry, but it's not fine."

Mr. Schuster just nodded, at a loss for words. Rachel sticking up for herself, in a way that wasn't trying to get what she wanted, was new. He didn't think he had ever seen her do that, and as much as it killed him to know that his suspicions were correct in that he had something to do with it, he was proud of her for doing this.

"When you come back to McKinley, I promise-"

"My Dads don't want me back there," Rachel said, before she could hear the promise she was almost sure he wouldn't keep. He would want to keep it, but he wouldn't. He wouldn't be able to with all the new members in Glee club.

"What? But Rachel, we need you!" Mr. Schuster said desperately.

Rachel shrugged a little. "I'm trying to talk them out of it, but they're adamant it's not the right setting for me."

"I'm sure I can talk to them for you-"

"I appreciate it, Mr. Schuster. But there's really nothing you can say. Especially with…." He didn't need another reminder. Rachel wasn't heartless. "With everything."

Mr. Schuster nodded and stood up, brushing off invisible crumbs from his suit. "Well, I suppose I'll be seeing you at some point, Rachel," he said. "Do you mind if I come back and see you?" He asked this slowly, and they both knew 'no' would be a perfectly valid answer.

"Of course you can, Mr. Schuster," Rachel said. "I would actually like that."

Mr. Schuster smiled, walking over to Rachel, looking down at the fragile girl. To Jesse, to the nurses, to her parents, she had grown so much over the past week. To anyone who hadn't seen her in a week, or hadn't paid attention in the last year, she looked completely different. She looked pale, washed out, like she would break if you touched her the wrong way. Even still, Mr. Schuster leaned down and hugged her gently.

"I am so, so, sorry, Rachel," he whispered into her hair.

"It's okay Mr. Schuster. I forgive you," Rachel whispered.

And with that, it was over. There was nothing else to say. Mr. Schuster walked out of the visiting room, and promptly went out to his car, and cried. Cried for what he had done to that girl, who only wanted to be a star. A girl who was just like him when he was in High School.

How could he have been so rude and cruel to someone he understood so well?

* * *

Rachel stood up, ready to go back to Jesse. God, she needed Jesse after that. She knew it could have gone worse, and that Mr. Schuster was actually very mature and responsible and calm with her rant, but it still took a lot out of her.

Just to see people from what brought her here took a lot of energy out of her.

They were her past. And Jesse was her present, and hopefully her future. And that's all she wanted and all she _could_ look at right now.

"Rachel, sweetheart, there are more visitors. Are you open to some more?" the same nurse asked.

"Jesse's still here, right?" she asked immediately.

"Of course, sweetheart," the nurse said soothingly. "You know he wouldn't leave without telling you."

Rachel nodded slowly. "I can do one more," she said. "But no more after that."

* * *

"I'll go. I have to go. She's my….well, she's my….she's cool."

* * *

Rachel hardened when Finn sat down. No. He wasn't supposed to be here. She didn't want him here. She didn't want to explain anything to him. Not with his temper. No. She wouldn't talk to him. He was too unpredictable. She wasn't supposed to be around unpredictable people.

"Rach…A-Rach…" Finn said, in a voice that, to anyone else would be soothing, but to Rachel only made her blood boil. How dare he act like he cared now. Now that she was somewhere that proved that she wasn't a drama queen, it was all nice and petnames now. As though the tragic breakup hadn't happened.

As if he didn't know what he alone had done.

"Rachel, come on, talk to me….you don't like, have amnesia, right? You know who I am?" Finn asked slowly.

"Yes, Finn, I know who you are," Rachel said, her harsh tone surprising both of them.

"Oh. Okay. Good. So, uh, when are you coming back?" Finn asked.

Rachel looked up at him, finally looking into his eyes. "That's your question?"

"Well…yeah…I mean, I need my lead singer," Finn said, smiling at her. She internally scoffed. That was all he knew to talk to her about. How pathetic.

"You've done just fine with Mercedes, you don't need me," Rachel said.

"Is that what this is about?" Finn asked, his voice returning to his normal, annoyed-with-Rachel tone. "You're upset about Mercedes taking your place?"

"What?" Rachel asked, shocked. "You think…I did all this…for _a solo_?"

"I wouldn't put it past you," Finn said. "God, Rachel, you always want to be the best at everything, but you never realize that you are the best without even trying. And that's a good thing, but you need to let other people try!"

"I don't need your lecturing, Finn!" Rachel said, her hands clenching into fists under the table. "If you think I did this because of a solo, then…you should just leave."

"Why, because it's true? Because we both know you're fine. You're Rachel. You're not suicidal. You're too self centered to want to die," Finn said. "You're too-" He paused, looking past her, out the window to the hallway.

"What. The fuck. Is _he_ _doing here?_"

Rachel turned around and saw Jesse peeking out of her hospital room. She smiled at him a little, but she knew he could see the anxiety on her face and how quickly it was taking over, as it always did. She watched as he ran to the nurses' station.

She turned back around. "Jesse saved me," she said.

"Oh so this is all for him. _Poor pitiful Rachel's so alone she needs St. Jackass to be with her_. This is all some act, isn't it?" Finn asked, his voice raising. "Isn't it? You're just making this entire thing up! You just did this for the attention! Rachel's big act to finally get everyone's attention. What, run out of Broadway lines to steal?"

"Stop!" Rachel shrieked, the anxiety getting the better of her and tears were streaking down her face as her breathing shallowed and it took everything she had not to fall to the floor. It was just Finn, she knew that, but he was saying everything she knew people thought about her. The only thing was, she had been able to convince herself maybe people didn't think that. But they obviously did.

_Relax. _Jesse's voice popped up again. _You saw me getting help_._ Think about the New York trip your Dads are planning. Don't think about what he's saying._

"Why? Because I see through it all?" Finn asked. "I see what this really is? You're probably gonna be at McKinley on Monday when they realize how much you just wanted a solo."

"Please! Stop it!" Rachel choked out through her tears, before finally standing up, shaking violently from the anxiety. "Just stop!"

She ran out of the room and was met by Jesse and a nurse, anxiety medication already in the shot. Rachel shook her head violently. She hated shots.

"Sweetie, this will help you," the nurse said. "This is just Benadryl. It'll knock you out for an hour until your body gets back under control."

Finn stalked out past them. "Don't let her fool you!" he yelled. "She just wants a fucking solo!"

Jesse's head snapped at Finn. "You better hide in a fucking cave somewhere far away, Hudson! What you threatened to do to Karofsky will be cake compared to what I'm _going_ to do to-" The nurse hit his arm, shaking her head as Rachel became more and more distressed by what he was saying to Finn. She appreciated it, but violence wasn't what she needed.

"Sweetheart…sweetheart look at me," Jesse whispered as she collapsed to the floor slowly, Jesse leaning down with her, distracting her so she wouldn't feel the pinch of the shot.

"You're never gonna see him again, okay baby?" Jesse asked, as her eyes started to shut. "You're with me now. And we're gonna find you a school where you can start over. You're never gonna see him again."

By the time Jesse had finished his sentence, Rachel was fast asleep in his arms, both of them sitting on the floor. He denied any offers of help and carried her to her room, where he held her in the chair given. He knew she preferred that to the bed when possible.

* * *

He stared at the fragile girl in his arms. Sure, she was stronger than she had been on that bridge, but she was still a scared little girl who didn't need that. Who didn't need Finn validating all of her fears, which anyone else would tell her was ludicrous. He wouldn't be surprised if she woke up at square one in an hour.

He sighed as he looked at the gold star necklace he was gonna give her for her progress. What progress had there been? Was there a reason to give it to her now? He didn't know anymore.

The only thing he knew was that Hudson was a dead man.

* * *

**I don't get many reviews. Honestly not that I care, but it'd be nice to know people didn't think this sucked! Ha!**

**Okay, til next time! xx**


	6. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the long wait on this chapter everyone! But the reviews I got on the last chapter were incredible, I can't thank you all enough! This story means so much to me, as I'm sure you all have heard me say. **

**This particular chapter has a pretty big twist in it...so big that it even surprised myself. But what's a story without a little internal conflict, right? haha**

**So, without further adieu...enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 5

An hour later, Jesse sat in the same position, holding Rachel protectively to him. He couldn't help but notice the way she cringed in her sleep, as though her subconscious was replaying the conversation with Finn over again, as though to torture her. He sighed, stroking her hair. He was going to fix this for her. No matter what that entailed. Whether that meant beating up Finn, or getting her a VIP spot on Vocal Adrenaline, he was going to cash in every favor he had from people in Ohio, though he refused to admit how he had gotten said favors, to make sure Rachel was happy.

By God, that was all he wanted. Her to be happy again. To never feel so low again that she felt she had to take her life. He would never tell her this, but he was thinking about transferring to a state college for her. He had even started the process. It was a big change, he knew, and he knew he would look like he wouldn't be able to handle the pressure, but this was the right thing to do.

He had seen her on that bridge for a reason. He had been on his way to Shelby's on that particular night, and not the night originally planned, for a reason. To save her. And he knew that didn't stop when she finally got out of this hellhole, though honestly it was more like a sanctuary. If anything, it would only get worse out in the real world. And he couldn't leave her alone again. Not with the people who put her here in the first place.

"I'm sorry, Rachel can't have any more visitors," the nurse said.

"Look, I need to see her," Quinn fought. "I need to make sure she's okay. She's….she's one of my best friends."

The nurse looked at her, as though trying to tell the truth. She finally stepped out of Quinn's way, accepting her story. What Quinn didn't think the nurse realized was, that there _was_ truth to that statement. Rachel was one of the truest people she knew. And even though they didn't talk, and even though Quinn was kind of a bitch to Rachel, for some reason, Quinn still considered Rachel a friend. Maybe even a best friend. A weird, dysfunctional best friend, for no other reason than Rachel told it how it was. As annoying as it was, it was a nice change from the Cheerios.

"Thank you," Quinn said, walking past the nurse.

"I did this to her," Quinn whispered, making Jesse jump from where he had been sitting, watching Rachel.

"Quinn?" he asked, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"I….I don't know," Quinn whispered, from the way she was standing it looked as though she was going to collapse any minute, and had Jesse not known better, he would have thought he would have seen her start to cry any minute. "I…I did this to her. I stole Finn….I told her she didn't belong here…I was a bitch to her."

"Stealing Hudson from her was probably the best thing you could have done," Jesse muttered.

"He didn't mean what he-"

"Don't. Don't stand up for him," Jesse said, his head shooting up to look at her. "She's gonna wake up in a few hours and be back to square one because of him. He convinced her that everyone thinks she's just doing this for attention. But in reality, this girl is sick. And your boyfriend telling Rachel that he thinks she's just doing this for attention probably did more damage than anyone can imagine."

Quinn sighed, shifting the bag she had brought on her shoulder. "She's really sick, isn't she?" she whispered.

Jesse nodded. "They're leaning towards bipolar," he muttered.

Quinn leaned against the wall, mostly for shock. "What?" she asked faintly. "So she's really…I mean she wasn't…"

"No. She wasn't," Jesse said curtly. "All those times you guys laughed at her for how quickly her mood changed, how deeply she took things, that wasn't her being an ass or being annoying. That was her being who she was. Feels like crap, doesn't it?"

"But…she's seventeen! Shouldn't let they have caught it by now?" Quinn asked, concern etched in her voice, stronger than Jesse had ever heard it before. It surprised him, in a way, to see the girl so concerned for someone he was sure Quinn hated. Maybe there truly was more to the blonde than she let on. Maybe she was more than Prom Queen and Teen Vogue magazines.

"They said a traumatic experience can cause it to come out of dormancy. She's always had it, but it took something to activate it, so to speak," Jesse said, his own voice growing fainter as he spoke these words. A year old conversation flashed into his mind.

"_If I give myself to you, and it turns out you're just playing me, I might die. Not literally, but emotionally. It'll be the kind of heartbreak girls like me hold for the rest of their lives. Like Barbra in the Way We Were._"

"Can I leave some stuff for her?" came Quinn's voice, though now it sounded like it was coming from miles away.

"_I might die." _

"Yeah, sure."

"_Not literally, but emotionally."_

Jesse's thoughts were racing. Had he done this to the same girl he was trying to save? Could he have prevented all of this? He hadn't meant to. Oh god, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. He was helping her. But she obviously didn't know that. Shelby wouldn't have told her, for fear that she would've told her Dads. Hell, Shelby wouldn't even let him near her after Regionals, for fear that he would tell her.

He never got a chance to explain, but he thought she would forget about it and go to Finn, like it seemed like she was _supposed _to. Even when Rachel and Jesse were dating, it seemed like Finn and Rachel were supposed to be together. So in a way, he thought that when he left, he was doing the right thing by her. How could he have forgotten that one conversation in the Vocal Adrenaline auditorium?

He then realized he looked like the biggest fuck up in History in her book. A fuck up who fucked up enough to kill her emotionally. Kill her emotionally enough that she would hang out with people like Finn who would crush her dreams, just because it looked as though they would be the 'perfect couple'. People who didn't understand her. Jesse, and Jesse alone, let her allow people to walk all over her, didn't he? He started this whole thing.

Because of him, she lost who she was.

Because of him, she lost everything that made her special.

Because of him, she was on that bridge that night.

He didn't save her. He destroyed her.

"_I think I kinda like her."_

He had more than 'kinda liked' her. He had loved her. He had been willing to do anything for her. So why wasn't he willing to stand up to Vocal Adrenaline? Or Shelby? He told himself he was doing the right thing, and maybe from his point, he was. But did he even think about the girl he claimed to love? Did he even think about the consequences?

Obviously not.

This _was_ his fault. He had caused her the emotional trauma he promised her he wouldn't. The very emotional trauma that quite possibly led them here to this very position.

He didn't hear Quinn put things on random shelves for Rachel to see, or hear her leave, or feel the tears streaming down his face. All he could feel was pain. He had been blaming the wrong person this whole time. He was blaming Finn, Puckerman, even Mr. Schuster.

When really, he should have been blaming himself.

Through his tears, he walked her to the bed, and laid her down, tucking her in gently, his own tears falling onto the blanket. He let out a small sob as he stroked her hair.

"I love you," he whispered. "I've always loved you. I am so sorry I did this to you. I never meant to hurt you. I love you, Rachel…I love you so much. And I will make this right. I will….I will…I swear…"

She leaned into the hand that was resting on her head. She felt so comfortable with him. That killed him.

Did he even deserve to be here?

* * *

**So what do you think? I thought it was only fair to make sure Jesse realized he was innocent either in this, if not the cause completely. **

**Review please? I'd love to know of what you think should happen next! Don't worry though, this _is_ still a St. Berry story, and nothing will change that!**


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